Why is it so hard to make friends as adults?
If you’ve ever looked around and wondered why making friends feels harder now than it did when you were young, you’re not alone. In recent years I’ve found myself craving deeper friendships but struggling to build them.
I have never been an extrovert, but even so, when I was a kid striking up friendships certainly seemed easier. You’d meet someone in class, sit together at lunch and repeat – then suddenly you’re inseparable. As adults, things hit different. Maybe our schedules are fuller and our responsibilities bigger, or maybe by adulthood we have simply carved out habits, opinions and corners of the world, and perhaps struggle identifying with those that differ – either way, accepting new people into our “inner circles” can feel awkward or intimidating.
University of Oxford research found people’s number of close friendships declines as careers, relationships and family responsibilities take up more energy and attention. The good news is this: while making deep new friendships as adults can take more effort, it is possible. Understanding how and why things change makes doing so feel possible.
Making friends as a kid – why was it so easy?
Think back to when you were a child. Chances are you met most of your friends in school, sports teams or other regular activities. Psychologists call this the “mere-exposure effect” – the more often we see someone, the more likely we are to like them. We don’t even feel the need to identify with them as much, because it already feels like they are in our lives. In educational environments, we see the same classmates for hours every day. Constant exposure naturally increases opportunities for bonding. On top of this, as students you were all (to some degree) on the same level. It feels easier to befriend someone when you are both in a similar position. Same age, same school, same tests, same town, same role (students), knowing a lot of the same people, lives largely following the same schedules…a launching pad for connection.
Children also tend to have far fewer competing responsibilities. Their schedules are largely structured around school and free time, and they are often set boundaries, told plans and taken where they need to be. Thus, they have more time and mental space for social relationships. Adults, on the other hand, are balancing work deadlines, exercise, household management, child/pet/self care, commuting, meals, event planning and countless other obligations.
There’s also another reason friendships come more naturally in childhood. Developmental psychologist Professor William Bukowski says children’s brains are highly tuned toward social learning. Friendships play a major role in helping children develop empathy, co-operation and communication skills. When encountering new social exchanges for the first time, we naturally seek out more counterparts to determine how to act. In short, young children are biologically wired to practice friendship.
Adolescence continues this pattern. High school and university create environments where people of similar ages and interests spend large amounts of time together. Being similar as people doesn’t matter as much, because proximity and shared experiences become your similarity. For many, university in particular is a departure from the routines, expectations and social circles they have known for most of their lives. They will look again to their counterparts. Intense shared experiences – such as studying, shared-housing, partying or joining clubs – create powerful bonds that often turn into long-term friendships. That’s why many adults still maintain strong connections with friends from university. Those relationships were built during a time when proximity, development and shared experiences were constant.
However, over time, even these friendships can fade. People move to different cities or countries. Careers pull us in different directions. Family responsibilities take over weekends that once belonged to socialising. Gradually, the easy rhythm of seeing friends every day disappears. And now you have finished socially developing (one hopes) and have less time or energy to create intense, regular shared experiences with new people. That’s when the challenge of adult friendship really begins.
What changes after we leave education?
Once we leave school or university, our social environment changes dramatically. The biggest difference is structure. Education systems are largely built around social interaction. Many workplaces, however, are not. While some people do make close friends at work, many jobs involve limited time for socialising and our colleagues can be at very different ages and life stages.
Time pressure also plays a major role. University of Kansas sociologist Jeffrey Hall found that building a casual friendship takes around 50 hours of shared interaction and developing a close friendship more than 200 hours. I don’t know about you, but finding that amount of spare time feels nearly impossible. Another factor is social stability. By adulthood, many people already have established friendship groups from school or university. Because maintaining them requires time and energy, people often invest in existing relationships rather than forming new ones. Plus, if your friends already know each other, it is easier to socialise – one dinner date, multiple friends, and just like that you stay connected.
I have met so many people who, like me, struggled after moving abroad. Firstly, if you’ve just moved and it feels like everyone you meet has a core existing friendship group and you’re on the outside – know right now that’s totally normal and you’re not alone. I found myself building friendships one person at a time. Financially and time-wise, there were only so many occasions I could go out. Inevitably I wasn’t able to regularly see everyone, so getting those 200 hours per person could take years. I also found it surprisingly tricky to introduce people and create a group. Many already had another (often childhood) friendship group, so weren’t actively seeking an additional one, and they faced the same financial and time constraints that I did. Urgh, adulthood.
Technology has also changed how we connect. Social media allows us to stay in touch with people abroad, which can be wonderful – but also reduces how often we meet face-to-face. Studies show in-person interaction builds stronger emotional bonds than digital communication – allowing us to read body language, share experiences and develop a deeper sense of trust and belonging. Relying solely on digital interaction can make relationships feel less emotionally satisfying. At times, I worry I put too much energy into staying in touch with people who aren’t physically near me. It can feel one-sided, and socially we can be left stretched thin with too much socialising and too few deep relationships. One mate of mine has a brutal but effective approach – “if I don’t see you in person at least twice a month, I’m not staying in contact online. If you want to connect, come and see me, then I will make myself available”. It’s a harsh rule, but the friendships he does have are deep and reliable, and he has more mental space for them – and for himself.
How to get a “best friend” as an adult
So if making friends as adults takes more time and effort, how do you actually do it?
Meeting new people with similar interests helps, of course. Clubs, hobby classes, parenting groups, volunteering and community events can all provide opportunities. The key is choosing environments where you’re likely to see the same people regularly. But we’ve just learned that meeting someone is only the beginning – what really matters is what happens after that first meeting. In-person catch-ups, proximity, regularity, shared-experiences, 200 hours…friendships deepen through intentional effort.
Why not suggest meeting them again? Send a message after an enjoyable conversation. Invite someone for a coffee or a walk. Many people assume others are too busy, but often they’re just as eager for connection. Especially if you live somewhere like London, with its commuter culture of home-work-home. There’s so much else to explore!
Another way to deepen friendships is through small moments of vulnerability. Of course, trust develops gradually. I’m not saying pour your heart out after a handshake. But allowing conversations to move beyond small talk helps transform a casual connection into something more meaningful. Whether that’s sharing a small challenge you’ve faced or asking –genuinely- how they are doing and taking the time to listen – it makes your exchange memorable. Psychologists call this reciprocal self-disclosure, and it’s one of the strongest predictors of developing close friendships.
Consistency also matters more than grand gestures. Seeing someone regularly, even for short periods, builds familiarity and comfort. A monthly coffee, a weekly school pickup chat, or a regular walk together can slowly build a strong bond. Importantly, you don’t need a huge social circle to feel supported. There’s a beautiful idea expressed in the song Closed Hand Full of Friends by Foy Vance, that a small number of deeply trusted friends can be held longer than a large group of acquaintances. Many adults find that one or two truly close friendships provide more emotional support than dozens of casual connections. So really, we don’t need to be seeking a group of friends at all. Quality over quantity.
It’s also helpful to remember that friendship looks different in adulthood. You might not see your best friend every day the way children do. Instead, the friendship might be built through regular check-ins, occasional meet-ups and the comfort of knowing you’re there for each other when it matters. Perhaps most importantly, patience is key. Friendships take time to grow, and many adults underestimate how long it takes to build that deeper connection. If a relationship feels slow to develop, that’s normal. The important thing is continuing to show up and invest in the connection. Over time, those small moments add up.
It’s possible to find close friendships
If you’re feeling lonely or struggling to build friendships as an adult, you’re not alone. Modern life is busy, demanding and often isolating. But the human need for friendship hasn’t changed.
Best friends are not something that only belong to childhood. Adults can – and do – form deep, supportive, lifelong friendships. It just tends to happen differently than it did when we were young. Instead of forming naturally through shared classrooms and playgrounds, adult friendships grow through intentional effort, repeated interaction and emotional openness. The process might take longer, but that doesn’t make it less meaningful. Sometimes the person who becomes your closest friend is someone you met unexpectedly. A simple conversation can slowly turn into a trusted relationship over time.
If you’re hoping for deep friendships in your adult life, don’t give up. It can be exhausting, but keep showing up. Keep reaching out. Keep being honest about who you are, and keep making space for friendship in your life. They might not be like your school besties. They might not share all the exact same mutual friends, routines or interests that you do. But hey, we’re not kids anymore, so is that what we really need? As adults, surely what matters more is someone who sees you, knows you, supports you and shows up. And we’re all looking for that, so none of us are alone. Look at us, we have something in common already – we’ll be mates in no time! 
