I’ve been thinking about my mortality lately, but not so much focusing on the finitude of my life, but rather on how my leaving this world, one day, will impact my daughter. I had heard about the concept of ethical wills before, but it didn’t register an action in me until recently.
An ethical will, also known as a “legacy letter,” is a heartfelt written document or recording that allows individuals to convey their values, life lessons, and personal wishes to their loved ones.
Unlike a traditional will, that focuses on material possessions, an ethical will centres around non-material aspects, such as wisdom, beliefs, and emotional guidance.
My first question to myself was, “Am I thinking about doing this because my ego is rising up, wanting to still have an impact on my daughter’s life after I die, or is this really something that would be for her benefit?”
So, I got a second opinion. I asked my therapist. She had an experience: a series of letters was left behind, by a spouse for their partner, to open on specific birthdays or occasions. This was making it difficult for the living partner to let go. But the therapist hadn’t observed that problem with children who had ethical wills written by their parents. I take it: as long as I don’t try to control when my daughter would open such a document, how frequently it should be read or designate sections to be read at certain occasions, it could only be a good thing to leave. It would help her know her origin and ancestors first hand.
I struggle to get real conversations going with my parents and also, they have forgotten elements of their life that I’m most curious about now. If they wrote something like this for me and my siblings to read and to get to know them and ourselves better, I’d love to have it.
Of course, many in-person conversations should be had, as long as they are age appropriate, between parents and children, but none of us knows when our day will come. So why not write to our children, about those deep and interesting meaty topics, while we know we can.
I came up with a list of topics of my own that you may find interesting and want to include in your Ethical Will:
1. Values and Beliefs
Begin by outlining the values, principles, and beliefs that guide your life. This can include your faith, moral compass, ethical standards, and the philosophies you hold dear.
2. Family Stories & Life Lessons
Share the significance of family traditions. Include anecdotes, stories, and memories from your own life that you believe are important for your loved ones to know. These stories can help them understand your background and the events that influenced your choices. Share the lessons you’ve learned from these events, that have shaped your perspectives. Offer insights on topics like resilience, kindness, forgiveness, and personal growth.
3. Love and Relationships
Share your thoughts on love, marriage, and relationships. Talk about how you met your partner, and what makes a relationship strong or weak in your experience.
4. Parenting Wisdom
Share your thoughts on raising confident, compassionate, and resilient children. Tell memorable stories from your children’s early years. Stories that they may have forgotten by the time they read this. Express what you learned from your children and what you noticed about the kind people that they are from the very beginning. Be careful not to put fixed labels on your kids but share stories of their accomplishments, adventures, and heartwarming moments that you cherish.
5. Career and Passions
Describe your career journey and your passions. Share the story of how you pursued your dreams and the things that brought you the most joy in life.
6. Regrets and Forgiveness
Reflect on any regrets or missed opportunities and what you would have done differently and what you’re not proud of. Apologise for any shortcomings you may have. Express your capacity for forgiveness and understanding.
7. Hopes for the Future
Express your hopes for your children’s futures. Share what you wish for them in terms of happiness, success, and fulfilment. Avoid being too prescriptive and let them stay open to pursue different paths if they wish to.
8. Acknowledgement of Individuals
Mention and acknowledge specific individuals who have had a profound impact on your life. Express your gratitude and appreciation for their presence.
9. Final Words
Conclude by expressing your love, pride, and hopes for their futures. Leave them with a heartfelt message that they can carry with them throughout their lives.
According to Wikipedia, Rabbis and Jewish laypeople have continued to write ethical wills during the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. Although it’s a fairly new concept for the general public, there is proven benefit of doing this. Hopefully, you’ll make it a cathartic experience for you but also try to edit it from the perspective of your child reading it and the feelings it will create in them as they may read it again and again to try to figure out who they are and where they come from.
I found this very apt especially more so now that my kids have left home and the stories we tell each other are more infrequent. I’m definitely going to create one or two wills. Can I do that? Thank you for enlightening me. It has also jogged my memory to start recording my mums stories, while she is still with us.
I have a couple of thoughts: great idea from you to turn this around and record stories from your mum. I will try to dig a bit deeper when I speak with my parents next, and capture their wisdom, even though they are probably not thinking of leaving us an ethical will. I may even use my own list of prompts to try to understand them better.
I think if you leave private wills for each child, if that’s what you meant, it won’t hurt. Just a thought though – I’m learning that as parents, it’s our responsibility to foster deep friendships between our children, and not only to parent them to the best of our abilities, as individuals.
So, if the letter is one for all siblings, while of course talking about and to each child, they will inherit your love for their siblings as well as your love for themselves… For example, in a time of trouble between two of your children, they may look to your written guidance. And when they read your appreciation for each of them, that could help them forgive one-another more easily.
I hope this helps! Let me know how you get on.